At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
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