Im at strip club and am horny
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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