Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
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