I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
