I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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