apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Randomize
