hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
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