i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Randomize
