i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize