I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
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