Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Randomize
