Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
