I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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