I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
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