i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
