Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
