After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
