she woke up with a sticky ear
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
