i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
