took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
