I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
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