Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
