now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
