I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
