my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Randomize
