youre lurking in front of me
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I'm too high and old for this...
Randomize