Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Randomize
