I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize