Will you blow on my dice?
youre lurking in front of me
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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