Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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