I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
