i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
So squirting runs in the family.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
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