Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I am naked and annoyed.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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