I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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