After last night, I could never be a politician.
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I need to align my fucking chakras
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize
