Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
