I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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