I wish I could teleport
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
My breasts were aching with rage.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
