we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
