I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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