i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
