Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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