the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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