Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
