I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
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