I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
