dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
