can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
