I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
