Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
