mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
