you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
My pussy is not your playground.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
