i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
