so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Randomize
