here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
you would pick up someone in the library
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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