she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
