youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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