He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
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