i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
