Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
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