Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Randomize