No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
